Kim Kardashian: Hollywood as played by Kurt Koller

Anyone else playing Kim Kardashian: Hollywood? While I realize the game is multi-faceted, I have decided that I really want to focus on dating and dumping celebs at the best parties and hottest clubs! And I’m also going to focus on trying to flirt and become the next huge celebrity power-couple! The voice acting in the trailer is what really sucked me in.

Well, that and the little known fact that Kim and I have the same initials. 

I couldn’t wait to play. The first thing I did was watch the intro video from Kim, and then I got busy setting up my avatar. Hitting randomize gave me many variants of midriff-exposing women, all of the same shape, but of a variety of colors and hairstyles. The only shoes available are shoes with very high heels, and I went for the strappy ones.

I'm so hot
Don’t be jelly, I’m so hot tho

In typical video game fashion, the loading screens have gameplay tips on them. And while, “Dating costs money, but it’s a quick way to level up!” might first seem to be just about the leveling in the game, after a few minutes of reflection I realized that this totally applies to real life as well. Kudos to KK for having the nads to put this kind of powerful real life truth in her game.

The story starts and I’m working at the So Chic boutique. My manager is kind of a dick and he tells me to do do a few mundane tasks and then to lock up. I fold some shirts and can’t wait to get out of this place and get back to my depressingly small and expensive apartment which is conveniently located right next door. As I lock up and leave, there’s Kim Kardashian herself, just outside, like a bad nightmare. Yes, she shows up after closing, drops some Hollywood bullshit about her fashion emergency for a photo shoot to get me to open back up for her. Like my life means nothing. She is interested in a dress, and more Hollywood bullshit follows and the dialog tree makes it so I have to insist she take the dress for free.

Hey you're already wealthy, just take some more
You’re already wealthy, why not just take some more? Don’t worry ’bout me, I’ll just get fired.

Then she invites me to go watch her at her photo shoot. Well, I’ve been in Los Angeles for three years, and I’m trying to switch from being a programmer to working in entertainment, so I decide what the hell, maybe I’ll meet some people there. It’s just a justification really, you never actually meet anyone at shit like this other than people that want you to do shit for them for free, just like KK did to me with this dress. But… I’m really dreading going home to my place, and what else am I going to do?

So I drag my low-ass self esteem back home to dig through my closet for something to wear, and viola! there’s a new dress there! I must have stolen it when I stole the one for Kim. And now there are also a bunch of in-app purchases available for additional outfits. Looking at the unlocked and locked shoes, it looks like I’ll be wearing ridiculously high heels throughout the game.

Once I get dressed, the game informs me that, just like in real life, I’ve leveled up enough to be able to take a bus from Downtown Los Angeles to Beverly Hills. It takes 4 in-app fake dollars. The real bus, and the express bus at that, is only $1.75! Well, I literally have no other choices in the game, so I take the bus. There isn’t a cut scene, but for me I envision the real me dressed fabulously getting on the Metro Rapid 720 down the street at Wilshire and 4th in Santa Monica, taking the bus 9 stops to Beverly Dr., and then trying to find this magazine photo shoot location.

Just like in real life, I've leveled up enough to take the bus to Beverly Hills
Just like in real life, I’ve leveled up enough to take the bus to Beverly Hills


Just like in real life, I can take the bus to Beverly Hills
And just like in real life, I am going to take the bus to Beverly Hills


I think my favorite part of this game, so far, is that the background music and ambient sound loops don’t shut off when I switch to other apps, so like right now I can listen to this insane new “pop” music that started after I took the bus while reading my mail in another app.

Arriving at the photo shoot I’m instantly reimbursed the $4 it took me to take the bus, apparently by the paparazzo with the camera in my face? It’s all a little unclear. But wait, he’s not a paparazzo, he’s the photographer! And Kim has a surprise! She delivers it in the most monotone voice acting you’ve ever heard: “I love your style.” The photo shoot? It’s actually for me, Leggy McPherson!

In case it’s not clear, when the photographer asked me what my name was, I told him Leggy McPherson, and now that’s what everyone in the story/game/in-app-purchase-driver will call me.

The only part of this that photo shoot that seemed really real was how I had to click a bunch of meaningless things like “light check” and “wardrobe change” to spew out worthless trinkets, trinkets like a new premium virtual currency with a K on it that you can use to buy other “premium” things. I’m starting to feel like maybe I’m not going to flirt and become the next huge celebrity power-couple, maybe not even in the game much less in real life.

Oh shit now Garrett the photographer is trying to get up my dress.

Nice line, Garrett
Nice line, Garrett


Oh god, are you really saying that to me right now?
Oh god, are you really saying that to me right now?


Dude, you're being totally gross, but I guess maybe I'll meet someone at this party...
Dude, you’re being totally gross, but I guess maybe I’ll meet someone at this party…

Against my better judgment I decide I might go to this “Hollywood party” Garrett invites me to, and Kim is floating some bullshit about how BET thinks I should have a manager(?), probably just to see how gullible I am. And, I’ve heard about the stuff that goes on at these parties.

So, to recap: I stole two dresses from my work, gave one to a multimillionaire, wore the other one for some sleazy guy who says I should be a model and is now inviting me to his party where he’s totally going to try to slip something into my drink.

I’m standing on the street waiting for the bus again, this time in Beverly Hills, and some well-dressed dude is talking to me about the party and wondering if he can get in. Let me explain what the bus is like in Los Angeles in real life. You’re walking toward the stop and there’s the bus 10 minutes early, you run a bit and cross against a red light to try to get there, and as you get there it drives away and next to you a nice guy with a Mexican accent and the largest fanny pack you’ve ever seen says to you, “No use running, that bus is FULL man.” And then you stand around and wait another 10-15 minutes. No one has EVER talked to me about a Hollywood party at a bus stop.

Now the bus fare back to my place is inexplicably $2 even though it took $4 to get here. The bus fare to Hollywood is $6 from here. Here’s a real life map:

In-game Los Angeles bus fares
In-game Los Angeles bus fares

So, needless to say, it’s becoming really hard for me to suspend disbelief and get immersed in this story.

I get off the bus in Hollywood, and hey, here’s my boss from downtown standing on the street asking me to work tonight. What a weird coincidence! Hey sorry man, I stole two dresses before I locked up an hour ago, and since I know I’m going to get fired anyway you’ll have to do inventory yourself. I didn’t mention Kim here, even though that was an option, because I figure maybe there’s a small chance to throw him off the missing dress caper.

So I show up at the party, and there’s a guy named Dirk Diamonds who looks like Neil Patrick Harris so I flirt with him right away. I think we’d make a hell of a Hollywood power couple. He strokes his hair 100 times or more and tells me he thought I was great at the photo shoot. Apparently Garrett has been showing my modeling photos all over town. I knew that guy was creepy. But here’s a picture of my boo, Dirk Diamonds, stroking his hair:

Neal Dirkrick Diamonds loves to stroke his hair
Neal Patdirk Diamonds loves to stroke his hair

This is the worst Hollywood party ever, it’s Dirk and the lame bartender and Kim and then a shadow woman in the very left part of the frame. I guess I’m feeling pretty good about Dirk, but I leave the place cos there’s nothing happening (and nothing else to click on). Once outside, I’m bumrushed by this hussie who wants to throw down with me, because apparently I was hitting on her boyfriend. After I deflect her, she calls me gutter trash to save face. To be honest, I’m feeling like I might have to quit this game soon because I can go out and get treated like this in real life ANY TIME, and in real life I’d never just leave quietly. Besides, look at what you’re wearing, girl.

Hashtag ratchet
Hashtag ratchet

The next bit is a blur of getting a manager, another pointless photoshoot, riding the bus and paying random nonsensical fares to do so, people saying YOLO, and people telling me to buy new clothing. After all that pointless chasing around, I wearily retreat to my place. There’s some horribly miscast NYC dude IN MY LA APARTMENT and he wants rent and I don’t have enough money to pay him without in-app purchasing, and apparently I’m going to have to pay this regularly. And I’m sure I’m going to lose my job for theft. So I take the free “give me one day” option.

Sigh, where’s Normal Fell when you need him?

This creep is still in my apartment, so I go outside to reflect. First of all, I am no longer sure that was my original apartment. I think I’m in a different part of town. I’m not sure, I don’t even know anymore. So I just start wandering around. Hey look! There’s a cat! That I can adopt!

Yay! A kitty cat! And I can adopt it from out on the street!
Yay! A kitty cat! And I can adopt it from out on the street!


I don't have enough Kim Koinz to adopt the stray cat from out on the street!
I don’t have enough Kim Koinz to adopt the stray cat from out on the street!


I have to spend at least $4.99 to get enough Kim Koinz to adopt the cat FROM OUT ON THE STREET!?
I have to spend at least $4.99 to get enough Kim Koinz to adopt the virtual cat FROM OUT ON THE STREET!?


This manipulative shit with the cat is the last straw, so I’ve uninstalled the game. After all, I can take the bus to Beverly Hills IN REAL LIFE ALL I WANT and the bus fare isn’t RANDOM and INSANE and I also have this in my apartment IN REAL LIFE:

Yay! Cottons!
Yay! Cottons!

I give the game 1 out of 4 paws.


Get it, if you want:


Kurt Koller Written by:

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