Taco Bell $2 Bill Story
So I wrote this little ditty back in 1993 about a customer service experience I had. I posted it to usenet from my nyx account in Denver, and it went crazy. Boing Boing published it (thanks Mark!), lots of other people claimed they wrote it, and it made me mildly famous. Since I haven’t done anything else to make me mildy more famous since then, I’m pathetically keeping this around forever, I guess.
Taco Bell $2 Bill Story
On my way home from the second job I’ve taken for the extra holiday ca$h I need, I stop at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In my billfold is a $50 bill and a $2 bill. I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about people getting pissed at me for trying to break a large bill.
- ME: “Hi, I’d like one seven layer burrito please, to go.”
- IT: “Is that it?”
- ME: “Yep.”
- IT: “That’ll be $1.04, eat here?”
- ME: “No, it’s to go.” [I hate effort duplication.]
At this point I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind
of funny and
- IT: “Uh, hang on a sec, I’ll be right back.”
He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within earshot. The following
conversation occurs between the two of them.
- IT: “Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?”
- MG: “No. A what?”
- IT: “A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me.”
- MG: “Ask for something else, there’s no such thing as a $2 bill.” [my
emp]
- IT: “Yeah, thought so.”
He comes back to me and says
- IT: “We don’t take these. Do you have anything else?”
- ME: “Just this fifty. You don’t take $2 bills? Why?”
- IT: “I don’t know.”
- ME: “See here where it says legal tender?”
- IT: “Yeah.”
- ME: “So, shouldn’t you take it?”
- IT: “Well, hang on a sec.”
He goes back to his manager who is watching me like I’m going to shoplift, and
- IT: “He says I have to take it.”MG: “Doesn’t he have anything else?”
- IT: “Yeah, a fifty. I’ll get it and you can open the safe and get change.”
- MG: “I’m not opening the safe with him in here.” [my emp]
- IT: “What should I do?”
- MG: “Tell him to come back later when he has real money.”
- IT: “I can’t tell him that, you tell him.”
- MG: “Just tell him.”
- IT: “No way, this is weird, I’m going in back.”
The manager approaches me and says
- MG: “Sorry, we don’t take big bills this time of night.” [it was 8pm and this particular Taco Bell is in a well lighted indoor mall with 100 other stores.]
- ME: “Well, here’s a two.”
- MG: “We don’t take those either.”
- ME: “Why the hell not?”
- MG: “I think you know why.”
- ME: “No really, tell me, why?”
- MG: “Please leave before I call mall security.”
- ME: “Excuse me?“
- MG: “Please leave before I call mall security.”
- ME: “What the hell for?”
- MG: “Please, sir.”
- ME: “Uh, go ahead, call them.”
- MG: “Would you please just leave?”
- ME: “No.”
- MG: “Fine, have it your way then.”
- ME: “No, that’s Burger King, isn’t it?”
At this point he backs away from me and calls mall security on the phone around the corner. I have two people staring at me from the dining area, and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect. A few minutes later this 45 year oldish guy comes in and says [at the other end of counter, in a whisper]
- SG: “Yeah, Mike, what’s up?”
- MG: “This guy is trying to give me some [pause] funny money.”
- SG: “Really? What?”
- MG: “Get this, a two dollar bill.”
- SG: “Why would a guy fake a $2 bill?” [incredulous]
- MG: “I don’t know? He’s kinda weird. Says the only other thing he has is a
fifty.”
- SG: “So, the fifty’s fake?”
- MG: “No, the $2 is.”
- SG: “Why would he fake a $2 bill?”
- MG: “I don’t know. Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?”
- SG: “Yeah…”
Security Guard walks over to me and says
- SG: “Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you’re trying to use.”
- ME: “Uh, no.”
- SG: “Lemme see ‘em.”
- ME: “Why?”
- SG: “Do you want me to get the cops in here?”
At this point I am ready to say, “SURE, PLEASE,” but I want to eat, so
I say
- ME: “I’m just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this $2 bill.”
I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I’m taking a swing at him.
He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands, and says
- SG: “Mike, what’s wrong with this bill?”
- MG: “It’s fake.”
- SG: “It doesn’t look fake to me.”
- MG: “But it’s a $2 bill.”
- SG: “Yeah?”
- MG: “Well, there’s no such thing, is there?”
The security guard and I both look at him like he’s an idiot, and it dawns on
the guy that he has no clue.
My burrito was free and he threw in a small drink and those cinnamon things, too. Makes me want to get a whole stack of $2 bills just to see what happens when I try to buy stuff. If I got the right group of people, I could probably end up in jail. At least you get free food.
END_OF_STORY